Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating and Marty asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 am drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, Marty asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married!”.

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

“My God!” screamed the lawyer. “Where’s my Rolex?”

I’ve been watching science fiction movies since the 1960’s.

I guess you can say that I’m somewhat of a fan because here I am, still watching them.

Here are 25 things I’ve learned so far from watching science fiction.

If you are a science fiction fan and if what you’ve learned isn’t on the list throughout your years of watching, then please feel free to add to this list in the comment section below.

Things I’ve learned from watching science fiction movies

1) The experts are wrong. There is sound in space.

2) All aliens have British accents.

3) Most planets have breathable air.

4) If you travel back in time, don’t meet yourself – you’ll explode.

5) All alien women are hot.

6) You can outrun a fireball.

7) Aliens who only have claws can design and operate spacecraft.

8) There are no bathrooms in the future.

9) Most computers have female voices.

10) Mars needs women.

11) It’s possible to breathe in space.

12) You can’t get away from slow moving enemies.

13) Watch your step when running, because you will trip over a stick.

14) Even with zero gravity, large ships will drop.

15) If you’re exposed to atmospheric pressure, your head will expand. But once the atmosphere has been restored, your head will return to its normal shape.

16) If you wear a red shirt, you will die.

17) You can hack an alien computer system with your laptop.

18) When a large ship enters the Earth’s atmosphere, it won’t create a tidal effect.

19) All ships have a red alert system.

20) If you’re a secondary character, you don’t get a chair.

21) Anybody can read schematics.

22) Handguns and rifles work in zero gravity.

23) Even if your ship is dangerously close to the Sun, it won’t burn.

24) Everyone can understand languages that are only grunts or beeps.

25) Huge mutated creatures can sneak up on people.

Meanwhile, in the Garden of Eden one day, Adam was walking around feeling sort of lonely, and God asked him, “What’s going on with you Adam?”

Adam replies, “Well God, I’m lonely and don’t have anyone directly to hang out with”.

God answered back and said. “How about I make a companion for you and we’ll call her a woman”.

God continued and said, “This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she’ll wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.”

Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?”

God replied, “An arm and a leg.”

Then Adam asked, “What can I get for a rib?”